Choosing a Sober Lifestyle as a Couple: Where to Start

Oct 29, 2024

addiction , alcohol , body , couples , health , marriage

Our couple relationships often have an impact on our physical health, for better or worse, depending on our habits
Joe Nowinski offers his guidance for any couples trying to get sober
If you have a difficult relationship with alcohol, we have therapists available to help here

It’s no secret that many adults these days, in many settings, are inclined to drink too much. But what is “too much”? Well, for men the established standard is no more than 12 drinks per week, and for women, half that. Even given these limits, the fact is that even this much alcohol consumption is not healthy.

So, who should consider moving from a drinking lifestyle (which is largely the norm) to a sober lifestyle? The answer is that any couple whose drinking matches or exceeds the limits cited above would do well to consider this option. That is not to say that either partner would qualify for a diagnosis of alcoholism—only that their drinking, on average, falls outside these limits.

First step

The first step in this process is to pause and take an honest inventory of how much and how often you have a drink, as well as how, over time, drinking may have affected you as individuals and as a couple. Often, these effects are subtle and not necessarily very noticeable as they occur—but they do occur.

Drinking has a way of gradually undermining health and stamina, as well as “hollowing out” a relationship, including shared pleasures and intimacy, which gradually fall by the wayside in favour of regular drinking. Whereas it was once popular to think of drinking in terms of just two categories – either you were an alcoholic, or you were not – the truth is that drinking exists on a spectrum from infrequent use to severe substance abuse disorder.

While relatively few individuals or couples reach the severe range, over time many a couple’s lifestyle comes to gradually move into the mild or even moderate range. As this slow process unfolds, the couple’s lifestyle comes to accommodate drinking as opposed to other activities that once formed a strong part of the bond between them. Shared pleasures that once joined them together becomes less frequent. Intimacy, including sexual intimacy, along with general stamina, may wane. They may falsely attribute these changes to aging, whereas the real culprit may be drinking.

Think of your relationship as a third entity that lives alongside you as individuals. Over time, has this third entity begun to shrink in favour of drinking? Even if you fall at different points on the spectrum, it might prove worth your while to contemplate a change of identity from a 'drinking couple' to a 'sober couple'. You may just find the change to be an improvement for you as individuals and for that third entity: your relationship.

Where to start with getting sober

Depending on the social network you tend to circulate in, you may encounter either acceptance or skepticism should you let it be known that you, as a couple, have decided to try a sober lifestyle. Be that as it may, true friends should respect your decision. In fact, you may discover other couples who have decided to pursue a sober lifestyle or who are curious about it.

Of course, the first change to make if you are serious about a sober lifestyle is to eliminate all wine, spirits, beer, from your home. If you entertain, you will need to let visitors know that if they choose to bring anything to drink they will need to take any leftovers with them when leaving.

Next, remove any paraphernalia that has been associated with drinking. This includes wine glasses, cocktail glasses, beer mugs, cordial glasses, wine racks, etc. Donate them or store them.

Third (and this can be a challenge), re-arrange your home so as to change the environment that has been associated with drinking. Typically, this includes favourite chairs and other furnishings (you might have a sofa with holders for wine or cocktails). If you’d developed a habit of eating meals while drinking in a particular spot, change that spot.

When it comes to pursuing sober relationships, intentions are important. But to be successful, intentions need to be supported by lifestyle changes. These 'renovations' can help support intentions, as they reverse that tendency for lifestyles to revert over time to accommodate drinking.

Routines

What you might call a lifestyle is in part made up of a number of routines. We tend to organise our lives around these routines, both as individuals and as a couple. Letting go of old, drinking-associated routines, and establishing new routines that support sober living, is part of building a new, sober lifestyle together.

Take stock of the routines that have come to play a dominant role in your relationship, starting with when you are first home together, for example when you return home from a day of work. Often these routines will include drinking. The challenge now is to explore and develop some new routines together that you can enjoy and that do not include drinking. For some couples this may mean meeting at the gym, finding a scenic place to talk and walk together, or preparing dinner together. It may take a while to establish new routines, but in the end, you will find them more pleasurable than drinking.

Shared pleasures

Another part of establishing a solid sober relationship is to engage in shared pleasures. Often, a couple begins a relationship with such shared pleasures like eating out, hiking, going to the cinema etc, but these shared pleasures tend to fall away as drinking plays more of a role. Intimacy, including but not limited to sexual intimacy, is for most couples a shared pleasure that may have waned over time. For some couples, seeking the assistance of a counsellor or therapist in identifying and building shared pleasures can help in this process.

All of this represents a starter pack that may help couples who decide to pursue a new identity as a sober couple. For those who have children it will most certainly benefit the whole family in terms of quality of life. My book, Sober Love: How to Quit Drinking as a Couple, contains more guidance in all of these areas along with case studies that illustrate how couples have successfully navigated, the sometimes challenging, journey to sober love.

Joseph Nowinski, PhD, is the author of Sober Love: How to Quit Drinking as a Couple