7 Ways to Show Up for a Loved One Going Through Cancer Treatment

Oct 17, 2024

A cancer diagnosis sent Kevin Donaghy into a state of shock that rippled throughout his whole support network
He offers his 7 tips for anyone who needs to support someone going through cancer treatment
We have Welldoing therapists available who specialise in working with cancer experience – find them here

No one prepares you for the words, “You have cancer”.

For me, it hit like a wrecking ball, which then started to wildly swing through the lives of my family, friends and colleagues.

I went into shock, and I found it very hard to process the fact that I had stage IV metastatic melanoma, with a tumour on my right lung and one next to my spine, which had been causing my back pain. The fact that it was life-limiting and incurable, glided right over my head to begin with.

Having to tell my wife, children, mother, sisters, parents-in-law and our friends that this might be our last Christmas together was my own personal horror movie, played out in slow motion.

At some point in our lives, we will all be – or perhaps have already been – touched by cancer, either directly or indirectly, whether it’s you, or someone you know or love who gets the diagnosis. Having been through my own diagnosis and treatment, the crippling side effects, and the mental impact of it all on my family and I, perhaps I have some experienced-based knowledge that I can pass on to others … others, like me, who are looking for hope and answers when having or supporting someone affected by cancer.

It was fortunate that I found my hope through sharing my cancer journey and listening to other people’s stories. It is now four-and-a-half years since my initial diagnosis, and my cancer is under control, but it will always be with me.

It’s important to understand that each person’s cancer journey is different, even if someone has the same clinical diagnosis. There are no guarantees about outcomes either, but there are things you can do to support those close to you if they are affected.

Here are my seven ways to show up for a loved one going through cancer treatment:

1. Listen

This can be incredibly helpful to the person your care about, but incredibly difficult for you. Cancer is not an easy subject to discuss, but by taking the time to listen to their news, hopes and fears, you will show you care.

Try to ask open questions, such as “How are you?”, which may allow them to tell you not only what is going on with their diagnosis and treatment, but how they feel.

2. You don’t have the answers

It is natural for you to want to reassure someone about their cancer diagnosis and treatment, but unless you are an oncology professional you simply don’t have any answers, and the chances are that by trying to provide answers you could make the situation worse.

Please avoid reminding them of people you know who died of cancer. And if you have any positive stories, do share them freely – but don’t forget that each cancer journey is unique.

3. Read about their cancer

This can be a difficult thing for you to do, but there are countless places where you could learn about their diagnosis and treatment. Remember to stick to verified sources such as the NHS, Macmillan, Maggie’s, Cancer Research UK, or specialist cancer charities. Sharing a video by someone who claims that taking dog-worming tablets or injecting orange juice into their veins cured their cancer will not help.

4. Talk about normal stuff

Not every conversation has to be about cancer! Talk about the things you used to chat about before their life with cancer. Reminding them about the good times you shared together, and any future plans, could give them a much-needed lift. And remember, there is nothing more powerful than laughter!

5. Be there for them

Don’t wait for them to contact you, because there will be bad days when they don’t feel like messaging, chatting or meeting up. Cancer often affects their mental health, but when someone reaches out to them it can make their day! A message, video, phone call, or an offer to pick up their kids, perhaps giving them a little gift – all these things show you really care.

6. Invite them

Life doesn’t stop with cancer, and the desire to continue to live normally can be very strong. Excluding someone with cancer from a get-together or event can be devastating for them.

Some people may think they might not want to be bothered, of course, but remember that your offer can be accepted or it can be turned down. Either way, it shows you are thinking of them.

7. Encourage them to find other people experiencing the same thing

People affected by cancer cannot do it alone, and if they try to it can have a detrimental effect on their mental health. Encourage them (whether they have the cancer or someone they love has it) to find other people who have it too, or who are experiencing something similar – it can be life changing!

There are so many charities that offer face-to-face or online support, and they can help immeasurably, so the person does not feel alone with their cancer. I have to mention Maggie’s cancer centres here because of the support they gave me – all you have to do is walk through the door of any one of their 24 UK centres. (P.S. You can take a friend too.)

Kevin Donaghy is the author of ‘Stories of Cancer and Hope’, which contains thirty-nine personal stories from people going through cancer. At least £1 from every sale will go towards supporting Maggie's cancer centres. For more information www.storiesofcancerandhope.co.uk.